10 Ways to Fail
by Yukihikari-chan
Summary: Title says it all! Ten fails made your favorite Final Fantasy XIII characters! Contains complete randomness, epic fails, and more! Rated T for some brief swearing. DISCONTINUED.
1. Hope's Boomerang

Story I: Hope's Boomerang

Hope stood in the middle of a field on the outskirts of Cocoon. All he wanted was some peace and quiet, and possibly some time to train. Hope breathed in the rich smell of flowers and earth that surrounded him. The smell was so relaxing…so tranquil. Hope began to pace himself around the field, picking up sticks and jabbing them into the ground as he went. After his 'targets' were made, he drew his boomerang.

Hope took a fighting stance made a few practice throws, not releasing the boomerang from his grip. Hope narrowed his eyes at the nearest and tallest stick, standing a good ten feet away from where the teenager stood. But in Hope's eyes, it was a bloodthirsty l'cie that wanted to beat the living crap out of fourteen-year-old.

"Take this l'cie!" He screamed and threw his boomerang.

The weapons flew through the air, slicing the so-called l'cie sticks in half. The boomerang swerved around the field destroying the poor, defenseless sticks. Hope punched his fist in the air but sadly; enough his victory didn't last long. His boomerang curved around the last stick slammed Hope in the face, knocking him to the ground, out cold.

* * *

"Hope? What the HECK did you do?"

Hope groggily opened his eyes and came face-to-face with Snow. The man held out his hand and pulled Hope to his feet.

"What happened?" He repeated.

Hope felt his face burn. "I was training and…my boomerang…sorta…came around and hit me in the head," Hope replied, feeling like a moron.

Snow grit his teeth to hide a burst of laughter. He held it back for all of five seconds before he cracked up with hysterical laughter. He clutched his sides, ignoring Hope's I-would-strangle-you-if-I-was-taller glare. Hope picked up his boomerang and stomped away from the still-laughing NORA leader.

That is why no one uses boomerangs.


	2. Snow Proposes to Serah

**_EDIT (8/16/10): _I didn't like how this was so I changed it a little. Enjoy!**

* * *

Fail II: Snow Proposes to Serah Seaside city of Bodhum, Day 11

Fireworks boomed overhead, lighting the sky with cheerful colors. But bursts of exploding lights didn't cheer up Serah. She was l'cie and at the end of her path in life was either to become a monster or a crystal. Serah sobbed to herself, if only she hadn't have been such an idiot she wouldn't be like this. Lighting was surely going to be extremely mad at her for going to Pulse Vestige ruins in the first place and add turning into a l'cie to that list and you would get a really angry Lighting. Serah wanted to kick herself for being such an idiot and hide out somewhere for the rest of her life.

"Yesterday at the store, I got us something," Snow told her.

Serah turned around to see Snow holding up two matching necklaces. "I don't know much about jewelry but…I hope you like it," Snow gave Serah a cheerful smile as he put his necklace on.

Snow carefully took Serah's necklace, draped it around her neck and clasped the ends together as the sky still boomed with fireworks. Serah put her hand on the silver necklace; feeling touched by Snow's kindness. She turned towards her boyfriend and smiled back him, one of the first times she smiled in a while.

"I will stand by you, no matter what happens. I'm yours forever," Snow promised. "Serah, my one, my only," He dropped down to his knees and placed a hand over his heart. "Will you marry me?" **(Author: in the game when I first saw this, I squealed XD)**

Serah gasped in surprise. Snow's gentle words echoed inside her head as joy replaced the sadness in her heart. Snow was her one and her only…and she loved him with every single bit of her being. Tears of joy welled up in her eyes as the biggest smile you would ever see crossed her lips.

"Yes," Serah replied, feeling light on her feet with happiness.

"She said yes!" Snow exclaimed, jumping to his feet and punching his fist in the air.

Snow laughed and picked up Serah in a bear hug and spun her in circles, her gentle laughter drowning out the loud booming of the fireworks. Serah wrapped her arms around Snow's neck as he continued to spin her around. Snow laughed and leaned against the railing to stop him from falling over. Big mistake. Serah gasped and she felt Snow fall backwards and over the railing. She fell out of Snow's strong arms and the cold water below swallowed her.

Snow came up, gasping for air followed by Serah. She coughed up water and stream of water flowed down her delicate features. Her new fiancé pulled off his hat and shook water from his blonde hair.

"Worst. Proposal. Ever," Serah glared at him with the anger of a pissed off cheetah that hasn't eaten in a week.

Snow threw on a goofy smile and rubbed the back of his head. "Are we still getting married?"


	3. Getting Nowhere

Fail III: Getting NowhereLake Bresha

Snow watched as Lighting and the rest of the party walked deeper into the crystallized Lake. Vanille flashed the NORA leader a final, apprehensive look before jogging off to join Lighting and the other. Her strong, slender figure gradually faded before she vanished from his sight. Snow turned back to the crystallized Serah, frozen in a sheet of blue and looking like she was crying even though she was a crystal. Seeing that victimized face brought back all too many memories.

It was her painful cries as she was engulfed in blue that made Snow want to cry. The painful cries that came from the girl he couldn't save. Snow clenched his fists together, pushed the awful memories from his head, and took one more look at Serah. Snow wanted to break her out of the form and see her smile again so he could tell her everything will be okay.

"Don't worry Serah," Snow picked up some weird, metal thingy* conveniently lying next to him. Thank you Hephaestus…or whatever idiot that left it here **(Author: Seriously, how DID that get there?). **"I'm coming for ya!" He yelled charging at the crystal.

Snow dug the tip of the metal into the crystal, bending the metal into a curve. Snow pushed harder, hoping to make even a tiny crack but that obviously failed. His digging tool snapped back into place, send Snow flying backwards and slammed into the ground, hard.

"Damnit that hurt!" Snow grumbled to himself as he climbed to his feet.

Snow being Snow, he picked up his digging tool again. He slammed it into the hard crystal again, digging it in as hard as he could. It was like pervious attempt: he went flying but this time it was harder. Snow rubbed the back of his head, now completely exasperated. The NORA leader groaned in annoyance, why was the universe against him getting a girlfriend? First, she turns into a l'cie, then she crystallizes, then he can't dig her out.

Better luck next time, Snow.

*The thing he used to try to dig out Serah before he battles the Shiva sisters

**Author: Sorry for the long update, my insperation level is zero. If you have any ideas for epic fails, please tell me and I'll see what I can do! Hope you enjoyed!**

**~yukihikari99**


	4. Lighting's second birthday present

Fail IV: Lighting's Second Birthday Present  
Day 12: Seaside City of Bodhum

"I'll do it, I'll protect her," Snow promised. He shot Lighting one final death glare before he stormed off to find Serah.

Lighting stood stubbornly in the corner, her arms folded over her chest. This **was** the worst birthday ever. First, her sister becomes a l'cie then she tells her she's getting married to Snow, of all people. What would be next: Serah telling Lighting she was secretly part of the Guardian Corps too? Lighting rolled her eyes to herself and finally turned toward the empty room, Snow's words still buzzing through her brain. The solider shook her head, shaking out the thoughts.

Her eyes caught a lone present sitting on the kitchen table with purple ribbon wrapped around it with care. Lighting slowly walked over to the table and pulled the ribbons off the box. Her eyebrows perked up when she carefully removed the lid, revealing a blue survival knife. She picked up the knife and switched the blade up, running her finger along the edge. It would defiantly be useful if she got stuck in the middle of the woods, which was HIGHLY unlikely with her great sense of direction.

Lighting sighed to herself. "I wish I could thank you right now, Serah…" Her voice drifted off as she noticed yet another box sitting on the table.

It was noticeably bigger and it wasn't covered in ribbon, unlike Serah's was. Lighting raised an eyebrow, who else other than Serah would give her a present? The solider set down the survival knife and opened the box. Lighting gagged at the hideous thing she saw inside the box. It was hand-knit bright pink sweater covered in happy faces smiling as if their lips were super-glued into an obnoxious clown grin that sent a shiver down her spine. Inside was a note, written in Snow's handwriting

_Hope you like it, I made it myself. If you don't wear it tomorrow, the Guardian Corps will get a kick out of this photo _

_Have a great 21__st__!  
__Love your soon-to-be-brother-in-law, Snow_

Under the note was a photocopied picture of Lighting as a baby sitting in a bathtub with a bubble beard. Lighting growled under her breath and threw the box onto the floor, denting the cardboard.

"DAMN YOU SNOW!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. Tomorrow, Snow was gonna die.

**Author: Just a stupid idea that came to my head while I was playing Final Fantasy XIII today. I'll get a better one up once my brian starts working again. Hope you enjoyed!**

**~yukihikari99**


	5. You Certainly Did Unleash Hell

Fail V: You Certainly Did Unleash Hell  
Gran Pulse

"Bahamut!" Fang yelled, tossing her crystal up into the darkening sky.

The glimmering crystal lit up against the black sky and erupted. Silver symbols stacked themselves above each other and set the stage for the show. Thunder cracked as the top symbol glowed and Bahamut shot through the symbols faster than a bullet. Fang smirked to herself as the Eidolon unfolded itself from its tight form and bared its blood-colored claws and the show was ready to start.

"You know what to do!" Fang ordered, charging at huge Behemoth King.

The massive beast roared and charged at Fang as well. She quickly sidestepped at the last second and let Bahamut unleash his flurry or red claws on the creature. The Behemoth King screamed with agony and clawed at Fang, but the black-haired woman was too fast for him. Bahamut spun in a circle and whipped the Behemoth King in the face multiple times, which REALLY pissed off the beast. The Behemoth king charged at Fang, bloodlust in its eyes but she was too quick for the beast again, jumped into the air, and swung her spear at the Behemoth King's forehead, angering the gnomons monster even more.

"Let me on the fun!" Fang called out, feeling the urge to tick off the creature even more.

Bahamut obeyed orders and began to transform into gestalt mode. The Eidolon stayed in mid air as violet colored wings sprouted from Bahamut's sides. The summon dove toward Fang and the woman jumped onto the back of the Eidolon.

Now the fun began. Bahamut shot toward the enemy and fired a fire-colored beam at the Behemoth King. The enemy screamed in agony and attempted to jump on the Eidolon like a cat trying to retrieve a treat from their owner's hand. Bahamut unleashed a barrage of fireballs upon the beast, leaving charred black marks behind. Fang smirked to herself once more, time to send the monster to the huge dumpster in the sky.

"Unleash hell!" Fang screamed standing on the Eidolon's back.

Bahamut fell back, getting ready to charge and Fang readied her spear. Suddenly, her eidolon dove forwards and the wind shoved Fang right off Bahamut's back. The wind swirled around her falling body before the woman landed on the hard on the ground. Fang felt the wind rush out of her and felt her back crack, loudly. The Behemoth King was gone and her Eidolon was levitating above Fang, who was angrier at the beast than the Behemoth King was at her in battle.

"You certainly did unleash hell," Fang said trough her teeth as she glared at Bahamut. "…on my back," She growled.

**Author: Sorry for the long wait. I wanted to do something with Fang, since she's my favorite FFXIII girl. I did the best I could to describe the summoning and transformation sequences, so I apologize if its a little hard to understand. Hope you enjoy!**

**~yukihikari99**


	6. Sazh's Unexpected Gift

**Fail VI: Sazh's Unexpected Gift**  
Vallis Media

It was the party's second night camping within the cliffs of the Vallis Media, and Sazh couldn't help but notice how strange Dajh's chocobo chick has been acting recently. It began with her pecking at his scalp occasionally, but Sazh had dismissed it; she was probably just a little twitchy that day. Eventually it got to the point where she started having temper tantrums every other hour and would bite at his nose while he was sleeping and she had even assaulted a PSICOM solider a few days before while he and Vanille were imprisoned. He made a metal note that day to never piss off a chocobo, no matter how big or small.

Sazh racked through his memories for something that might've angered the tiny thing on his head, but nothing came to mind. He sighed as the tiny chick jabbed at the bridge of his nose for the hundred-millionth time that night. The man gently swatted away the midgety creature and forced himself to sleep.

The bright obnoxious morning came too quickly for Sazh's taste. He stirred as the blinding light swept over the camp and awakened everyone else. Upon sitting up, he felt something smooth stuck in his Afro. He carefully ran a hand through his hair and pulled out the object. The object in his hand was the explanation for the chocobo's sudden change in mood.

An egg.  
Yes, an egg.

"...The hell?" Sazh muttered to himself as he examined the egg.

"What's wrong, Sazh?" Vanille skipped towards him with her usual overly-cheery mood.

"This." He held up the egg for her to see. "I think Dajh's chocobo laid it."

The rest of the party gathered around the man and stared at the egg as if it were a tap-dancing behemoth. The feathery yellow bird then came bouncing out of the bushes and jumped onto Vanille's shoulder. She gently stroked the chick as Lightning shifted her gaze from the egg, to the chocobo, and back to the egg.

"What are you going to do with it?" Lightning broke the awkward case of silence that was hanging over them.

"Dunno," Sazh replied, rising to his feet. "I suppose I could keep it…but it would probably break with all the fighting, and the shooting, and the running we all do."

"You're right on that one," Fang interjected. "We could just leave here and have it run free through Gran Pulse."

"Or we could just eat it." Snow suggested. "I could go for an egg this morning."

"No!" The rest of the party exclaimed collectively. Even the tiny chick seemed sqeaked in agreement with everyone.

Snow held up his hands in defence. "It was only a suggestion…"

**Author: *crawls out of the ground* I'M NOT DEAD! I know I said I was leaving fanfiction before but I take that back, I love writing this stuff way too much XD This is not that funny, but its been floating around in my head for a while now. Next, I'll have Lightning tied up in her cape because so many of you have requested it. **

**Hope you enjoy!  
~Yukihikari-chan **


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